(If you can't read this whole thing, at least read the last paragragh. It talks about the advantage we parents have over our kids their whole lives.) (Blue text is what you can say to help)
Objective: To view her as the girl you told me she is and maximize and protect these qualities in her: She is sweet and happy most of the time. She loves her brothers. She loves to spend time with you. She loved helping with the lunch. She loves to be read to. She loves to appreciate girly things with you. And there is much more to add to the list. This is the foundation of her personality we need to build on and protect and cherish, no matter what.
Goal: 1. To lessen the frequency and the intensity of the episodes when she loses control of her emotions. We can do this by:
a. Turning these episodes into teaching moments.
b. Providing opportunities for her to make situations better by repairing damage. c. Re-etablishing the loving bond you have with her, after the episode has resolved and it feels better.
Turn episodes into teaching moments:
Negative feelings tend to escalate, especially when someone is hungry, tired or overwhelmed. Negative feelings tend to escalate until the feelings are validated and understood by someone. Teaching, healing and peace can only take place after the feelings are demonstrated, labeled, understood, and both parties are calm. As long as the parent holds grudges and angry feelings, the child will not progress through their emotions. Do not feel guilty for the child's behavior, you know you love them and are doing your best for them. Focus on what you can do right now to help calm the situation. To remain calm during the storm, PRAY. As the child is screaming, pray that you can have compassion for them. Pray that you won't get angry. Pray to understand what they are going through. Pray that you can show them how much you love them. Pray to know how you can help them calm down. Do whatever it takes to provide a peaceful environment to facilitate calming down.
When a child moves from the "green zone" (calm, content, easy going) into the "red zone" (tense, volatile, lashing out) their little bodies go into a flight or fight response. When that happens, the blood in their body goes into their muscles ready for a fight. The blood actually decreases to their ears and literally they can't hear as well. That is why trying to talk to and reason with an upset child does not work at all. It may seem as though they are willfully trying to be difficult by not listening, but keep in mind that they physically CAN NOT hear you and process what is being said as well as when they are calm. This is not the time to teach or try to illicit empathy. It just won't work until they are calm again. The teaching may have to take place hours after the episode, even the next day. It is funny, but angry adults also lose their ability to listen and reason in this same way, have you ever noticed that?
When a child goes into the red zone, they don't like being there. They aren't trying to go there. They just don't have the skills to avoid going there. Being in the red zone is a frenzied, scary, uncomfortable place. The more a child feels a lack of control over their own emotions, the more terrifying it is for them. They kick and scream and fight these horrible feelings, but the feelings get more intense and don't go away. They need the physical presence of calm, loving, not-scared adults to help them feel that everything will be ok. They need to be shown and taught how to deal with the intensity of their emotions. They need to feel that they are ok, they are still loved in spite of these unhappy feelings. They need succinct, firm guidance on how to deal with mean feelings. "It is ok to be mad, but it is not ok to hit." "We don't call each other names in this house." Later, after the episode, when they are calm again, effective teaching about appropriate ways to handle anger can be figured out.
As soon as the risk of getting hit, kicked or punched is out of the way, if you can, go in for an empathetic hug or soothing touch. "Oh honey, you are really upset." "Wow, that was scary! It scared me!" If you are not sure if a hug would help, ask, "Would you like me to hold you?" "No? Ok, I will be over here until you are ready for me to help you."
If it is too early or too angry for calming touch, just verbally empathize with the feeling, "Looks like you are really mad." "Wow, you really don't like it when___________" What ever it is they said, repeat it, or rephrase it to validate the feeling without passing judgement on the feeling. Feelings aren't 'right' or 'wrong', they just are. We can't help the feelings that pop up in us. We can only learn how to deal with them. You and me and every body has all kinds of 'mean' and 'nice' feelings. It is part of being human. It is how we act on the feelings that matters. It is up to us to model for children and teach them how to deal with feelings.
Depending on the available time and the understanding of the child, the teaching part involves discussing whatever is most important to learn at the time. It may be important to discuss one or all of these: what happened, why it happened, how it felt, what the child can do differently next time, what the parent can do differently next time, what the child did do right, how it could have been worse but luckily wasn't. What is actually discussed is not as important as taking enough serious time, face to face, to help the child to feel understood, important, validated, generally appreciated and hopeful for the future.
Provide opportunities to repair damage:
Every episode needs to have a resolve or learning doesn't take place.
"When you are ready to talk about it calmly, I am here for you."
" I am not ready to ____fill in the blank_(have dinner, play with you, listen to anything else, ie: move on) until we make this situation better."
"What can we do to make this better?" (or to make him feel better)
"I don't feel like ____fill in the blank_(giving treats to, reading a story to, sharing with, being next to, taking to the park) someone who _____fill in the blank_(hates me, hits other people, throws things on the floor, tells a lie to me).
Using the words "I don't feel good about someone who....." lets the child know that you are not happy with the behavior, without actually saying 'I am disappointed in you' which can be devastating and discouraging for a child. It separates the child from the class of behavior, which is encouraging. It helps the child to think, 'it is not me, it is the behavior that is undesirable.' It encourages the child to want to separate from the behavior.
"I will feel better when I know you are sorry." "He needs more than a sorry." (a hug) "When you are ready to say sorry, you can ___fill in the blank___" ( come join us, help me with, have dessert)
It helps to have an incentive for encouraging a child to apologize and repair damage. Things are not back to normal until sincere apologies are made and damage is repaired such as: thrown things are picked up, toys are given back, mean words taken back and hugs are given where feelings were hurt. We are not withholding parental love, but we are not completely happy and we don't feel like giving anything special. As soon as attempts are made to apologize, express parental gladness and excitement that the ordeal is almost over, the child can almost be forgiven and we can start over. Be lenient with the ones who are new at sincere apologies. It is better that they experience the success of moving quickly past an apology than trying to force a sincere apology. Eventually children realize that the sooner they say sorry and repair the damaged feelings of others, the sooner they can restore the peace and happiness of parental feelings. Eventually they will need less encouragement and instruction on how to move through the process. Eventually they will avoid the pain of temporarily losing the parental peace and will want to restore it as quickly as possible.
Re-establish the loving bond:
Do not hold grudges! Abolish fear of the child's behavior! After the apologies, quickly forgive and do not bring it up again. Children will lose hope that they can ever get better and please you. See these episodes as an opportunity for learning. The child needs to feel like they CAN restore peace and happiness by apologizing and trying to make it better. Nothing is worse than trying to apologize and having a parent still mad at you. Nothing is worse than having a parent mad at you, period. It is biological. The child doesn't care as much about restoring the peace with the sibling or friend. Restoring the peace with the parent is crucial to the child's well-being. We can lovingly teach children how to maintain the peace. First we have to be happy, loving and peaceful our own selves, most of the time, so we can share it and model it for our children. A loving bond with an approving parent is the desire of every human being on earth. People who have missed out on the approval of either motherly or fatherly love, mourn over it and search for it their whole lives in all kinds of destructive ways. It is never too late to improve the parental bond. We crave it for ourselves our whole lives. It is the one thing that can help us as parents to keep our kids close to us. It is our parental advantage over the wickedness of the world. Having true peace and loving feelings with an approving parent is the best reward of all.
Information in Alison's words taken from various books such as: Raising a High-Spiritied Child by Mary Sheedy-Kurchinko, and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman,
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