Dear Courtney,
Today I remembered that feeling of not wanting to come home to room of baby things without a baby. Then I remembered that you gave me your Graco car seat stroller so I wouldn't have to worry about buying one before we were sure we would actually have a baby to bring home. Thank you so much for that!!! I can't remember if I bought it from you or if I thanked you enough for it. I loved that car seat!!! I used it for over a year and Jack's legs were hanging down the front of it. That was so wonderful of you!!! Thank you, thank you!!! I want to repay you for that!!
When I brought Jack home I knew the only way I could have peace and be able to sleep at all is if I turned the matter over to the Lord. Every night I would pray that if Jack needed medical care that I would know it and if God had to take him somehow, please don't let it be my fault. I would tell myself the scripture from Job "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord." The Lord gave Jack to us and the Lord could take him. I still have to comfort myself with that scripture when Brad reminds me of how awful our lives would be if something happened to Jack. I try to be grateful for every day that we get to have Jack with us. These five years of being a mother have been better than I could have ever imagined!
I remembered that once I bargained with God that if I could only just get married, I wouldn't even mind if I couldn't ever have kids.... Then once I was married, I prayed if only I could just have one baby, I would be so happy, I won't even ask for more. Now I know how naive all of that was! I really once doubted whether I would ever have my own family! I shouldn't have bargained, of course I want another baby! But also I am so happy!!! I am a mother and that can never be taken away from me. I will always be Jack's mom. I am so grateful for that. I don't know why our lives play out the way they do, I won't question God. I just recognize a miracle when I see one and I am so thrilled that you are having a miracle!!!!
I know a little of what you have gone through to get to this point and it strengthens my faith in God that you are closer to Him through this miracle. God's grace, as you put it, that's beautiful!!
I hope you don't mind if I re-live my miracle while you are having yours. I am enjoying the mental journey of my past and living in your present, thank you!!
Love,
Alison
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