Two Books Changed the Way I Parent

When I first read Liz's blog dated 6-6-09 about attachment parenting I went to the recommended website the 'Natural Child Project'. I read an article or two. I admit, I was skeptical. In theory it sounded great: A loving, non-controlloing way of parenting that produces great kids. In reality, I have never seen a mother of a two-year-old who does not resort to threats and bribes at least, if not yelling, intimidation and spanking. Most Moms I have seen, will speak sharply and or yell and grab firmly onto the screaming toddler who is running away from them. Once Jack was past the just-pick-him-up-and-go-stage and into the in the reasoning stage, I preferred threats and bribes. I didn't see any other way that could work. It seemed to me that any author who promotes this non-yelling, non-threatening, non-bribing way of parenting did not have a toddler at the time. Then I read two books that made me a believer.

In Good Reads, Claudia highly recommended this book: Parent Effectiveness Training.

I really liked it! It teaches a method of active listening, discussing who really owns the problems we face, and how to negotiate so that everyone gets their needs met.

I heard that in the 80's, the church used to teach parenting classes based on this book. I remember in the 80's one of my Young Women advisors taught us how to reflectively listen. I loved hearing it, and I have never forgotten that advice. I didn't know it was from this book! In theory, it is a great loving way to parent all ages. Supposedly it prevents teenage rebellion.

In practise, I found this method to be time consuming and challenging with a four year old whose speech is unintelligible to me 50% of the time, due to apraxia. First of all, I had a hard time getting Jack to sit still and agree to talk about our conflicts. When I threatened him (which is against the method) that we weren't moving on and playing until we talked about it, only then could I get his unwilling cooperation. I would say to Jack, "We have a problem, (I would then state the differences in our needs and opinions about the issue). What can we do so we both can be happy?" Inevitably Jack would say, "I don't know." There must be something that we can think of so that we both can be happy...um...um...I don't know. I gave up. I tried again. I gave up. I tried again. Little success!!!

The success story:
One busy night, Jack had two more bites to go before he could have his dessert. He had both bites in his mouth at the same time trying to swallow them. Then he spit the mush out of his mouth, complaining that it almost made him throw up. I had already set the rule: two more bites or no dessert. I knew he was going to have a fit if he couldn't have the dessert, a treat from grandma, which came in the mail and was sitting right in front of him. I wanted him to have the dessert; he was so close! I said, "Oh no! You have to eat the last two bites before you can have dessert and now they are all mushed up and you spit them out. What are we going to do so you can have dessert?" Jack came up with the best idea! "I eat deen dettoe (green pepper) den deet (then treat)!" That was a great idea! Green peppers are about the only vegetable he eats right now. He has to eat one before getting treats. His idea solved our problem perfectly! I can't wait to see how this method works as Jack matures. I will definitely learn and practise it.

I was browsing the bookstore and happened to see this book: Raising Your Spirited Child. It looked interesting. I have always wondered if Jack is a little more intense and energetic than other kids I see. It turns out that this book has the best advise for raising kids, whether or not they are spirited! I love it! This book really changed the way I parent! It has changed the way I view my precious boy and his sometimes not-so-precious-behavior. It has many loving and kind ways to handle power struggles with love instead of frustration and anger. It teaches parents how to prevent tantrums and screaming and crying. It teaches how to help solve and not escalate the problems we all face. I am a better Mom because of this book!

This book gave me the tools to deal with those times when my overstimulated, overwhelmed child cannot listen to reasoning. He can get so worked up that all he can do is lay on the ground and cry. This book explains that it is not me, and that he is not trying to "push my buttons or control me or be difficult." His little body can't handle the strong overwhelming emotions he is feeling, he bursts out and his fight-or-flight response physiologically shuts down his ability to hear. The trick is to recognize the clues along the way to avoid situations where he can get so worked up. The trick is to not get worked up myself so I can help calm him down.

I am glad that I never punished Jack for his outbursts. I would pick him up and hold him when he had a tantrum. A spirited child will go on for hours if you leave him alone, he needs a loving adult to help him calm down. I found that to be true. Ignoring and or walking away always escalated the situation. It wasn't until I could hold him in my arms that he would stop crying and calm down. As a two year old, picking him up is what worked. As a four year old, I had to wait for the right moment to touch him, or I might get clocked in the head. So I would wait and ask, "Do you want me to hold you?" When he was ready, he would curl up in my lap and calm down and we would review what happened. This book validated my method of loving Jack through his tantrums when I knew other people thought I should be tougher with him. This book helped me to see that I am not to blame (at least not for all of it, ha ha). Jack is genetically and spiritually an intense, eager and easily wound up child, who struggles to keep his strong intense emotions from bubbling over.

Example of emotions: One of the reasons Jack's emotions get out of control is that he has childhood apraxia of speech and can't express how he is feeling when he gets worked up. One day we were taking a few minutes to play with the toys in the lobby after our speech therapy session. I was getting anxious to leave. He was getting frustrated with the bead table he was working. All of a sudden he snapped. He kicked it. When I said, "Ok, Honey let's go." He stuck out his tongue and blew a rasberry at me. I said, "I think it is time to go." "No!!" Now I was embarrassed. I said, "Come with me by the time I count to three or you don't get a donut." (his treat for doing well in therapy.) One two three, now you don't get a donut. I took away a few more priviledges before Jack broke down and cried. Then he said something that expressed his feelings, which he had never tried before, "Edeeding is yong!!" It was so sad to hear him whine that everything was wrong. I instantly had compassion for him. He was still too distraught to be held so I said, "I will race you to the elevator." He jumped up, we raced, and the episode was completely over! That was one of the last times I was so quick to take away priviledges. I now try to get him to express his feelings and validate them.

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka has another book about teaching emotions and power struggles that I am studying.

Success story:

I was on the phone with a friend while we were at a playground. Jack was trying to get me to play a complicated game of choosing hoops to throw over a basket. I had no idea which criteria I was supposed to use to choose the hoop he wanted to throw. He wound up screaming at me and crying. I got off the phone and said,"Ok, let's go home." He cried nooooooo he wanted to finish the game. I told him if we were going to finish, he needed to calm down. "Hooooooow??" he wailed through his sobs. I smiled and had him sit down and try to breathe in through his nose and out through his mouth 10 times. He tried and when mucous ran down his chin, I said, "That wasn't supposed to happen." (like Gidget says on wow wow wubbzy) We both laughed and the screaming tantrum was over completely. We hugged, said sorry, finished playing and I told him I was going to call my friend back and talk. Prior to reading the book, I would have seen his outburst as an attempt to control me, I would have gotten angry and our ugly episode would have lasted ten times longer with threats and his shouts and the loss of everything fun we love to do. This is my perfect example of how a spirited child can quickly become overwhelmed by his intense emotions and how calm reactions can de-escalate the situation.

I have learned so much in the past six months, I am a different parent! Finding this out is my greatest love, my pasion and my hobby!

Another success story: Brad and I spend hours discussing the tiny deatils of why Jack does what he does and how we can help him. I am lucky to have a husband who will explore all the details with me. Jack is lucky to have a father who is concerned and loves him so much!

One of the issues we discussed is why Jack sometimes lays down and refuses to get up and continue on. It happens in malls, stores, and once outside of Smith's. We walk along and look back to see that without any warning, Jack has laid down on a bench. We walk back and tell him to get up and come with us. He won't budge or talk to us until we find the right priviledge to take away from him. He is not mad, he just lies there. It is the darnest thing! At first we adopted the view that he is trying to control us and that is why we would try to "win" the battle by taking away his things one by one until he complies.

Then I read these books. I figured maybe there is some reason Jack needs to randomly lie down wherever we are. I started to let him. Both Brad and I had experiences when we were one-on-one with Jack, where we decided to just sit down with him. Both of us experienced that after a minute of quietly sitting, Jack lays his head in our laps, snuggles, and says, "I love you" in the most sincere and appreciative way! All we did was quietly sit down with him and not try to make him get up until he is ready. We can't figure out why he randomly lies down wherever we are, but now we know that it is not to control the situation. He is too loving and appreciative when we patiently sit with him for it to be about control. I don't care why he does it, or what I would be late to, for that much love and snuggling from Jack, I would sit there all day!